Learning Feedback Isn’t a Spectator Sport

I'm a bit of a gamer (see previous nerd stuff in literally every post) and love racing games. I'm pretty good a them too! Great reflexes, deep focus, hours of practice behind a digital wheel.

The other day I decided to use my amazing racing skills and snuck into a real race track, stole a race car, and started hauling ass around the track! Mere moments later I crashed, brutally, and died.

Ok, that last part might have been a bit of hyperbole, but it makes a point that we all understand about that kind of "practice": Playing a game that vaguely simulates a real thing DOES NOT prepare you to actually have those skills in real life. Worse, imagine thinking that WATCHING someone else play the game would give you the skills to be a getaway driver.

And yet, for some reason, people believe that being prepared for hard conversations, giving critical feedback, and interacting closely with another human being in a high stress situation can be learned by watching a video, and then jumping into a high stakes conversation and be able to navigate it flawlessly. It just doesn’t work that way, watching 10 minutes of a script on how to tell someone they need to improve is no better than watching a video about how to use a hammer, then being expected to build a house.

In fact, this is one of the biggest complaints I get about communication training "I went through the training, had my next one on one, and it didn't go like they said it would!" or "As soon as the conversation started, all the rules taught flew out of my mind and I had no clue what to do." This is because interaction with people doesn't follow a script. There is no single model that if you learn the acronym you will become amazing at working with people. The gap between learning and doing isn't bridged by knowledge, it's bridged by practice. Especially if the skill you're learning involves needing to adapt to unique situations every time you use it.

My darling wife has actually driven race cars on tracks (SO JEALOUS), and I can assure you they didn’t just show her a video and hand her some keys. They spent HOURS talking about what to expect, they had experienced drivers drive through the track to show them how it feels and what to look for, and they spent a TON of time practicing driving the specific car before starting their runs. And even then, it was slow and careful, then a bit faster, and then she was able to get the thrill of the drive.

This is also the method I suggest for our clients if they want their leadership teams to actually be able to be better at working with their people! We start off with interactive classes talking about what feedback means, and why it's important, and unlike with a recorded session they get to ask questions about the specific situations they're in, because every team, every leader, every conversation is unique and it is important to be able to get specifics for your needs. We then do basic "test drives" with the content we've learned, practice sessions with each other and myself to actually use the ideas we've covered. This lets the leaders FEEL what it's like to say the wrong thing, and also how different and better it is when they're able to do it better in a safe environment. Then, if they want to learn how to become professionals at this, we take time and "race" in hard situations where I meet with each leader one on one, and put them in a feedback situation like they might have with their team, and make them work to resolve the issue. Again, in a safe environment with a supportive trained coach who can help them see where they can improve and rejoice with them about what is going well.

After all that, they're no longer "leaders who have heard of a method for giving feedback" they are practiced experienced professionals who are not only going to do better in their next interaction, they'll understand how to learn from that and keep doing better every time they work their people.

Now, to be clear, I’m not saying asynchronous training is bad. In plenty of cases, especially for foundational knowledge or widely distributed teams, self-paced learning makes a ton of sense. And yes, I believe even leadership and communication skills can be taught that way if it’s done with intention, nuance, and a lot more rigor than most prepackaged programs bother with.

As someone who preaches growth over ego, I’m actively exploring how to deliver our content in self-paced formats that don’t lose the depth and adaptability we build into our live work. If you’ve seen asynchronous training done well, or you’ve built some yourself, I’d genuinely love to hear your insights.

So leaders, how many of you have had the "watch this video and be in charge of the safety of your team" experience? And how has that worked out for you? How often have you watched a decent training video, and then lost every single moment of value from it because you weren't able to practice anything before it faded from your mind? And what have you found actually helps you apply communication and leadership skills in your day to day work?