The Compliment Sandwich: A Masterclass in Miscommunication

The Compliment Sandwich is absolutely the worst way to give "feedback" and it terrifies me how often I get pushback when I say that out loud (we'll see how it goes when I type it).

If you're unfamiliar with the concept, let me take you back to one of the only things I was "trained" on when I got my first leadership role as the best way to give feedback to your team members to avoid conflict.

An illustrated sandwich represents the “compliment sandwich” feedback method. The top bun reads, “All of the other documentation you’re providing has been absolutely perfect.” The middle layer (meat/cheese) says, “I would like to see more details in your after action reports.” The bottom bun states, “I’ve really been impressed with how you’ve been getting your tasks done ahead of schedule!” The image critiques this feedback style.

You start by saying something nice so the employee lets their guard down "Hey Throckmorton, I've really been impressed with how you've been getting your tasks done ahead of schedule!"

Then, you slip in your critical feedback "I would like to see more details in your after action reports."

And finish up with another compliment, because everyone feels better hearing nice things! "All of the other documentation you're providing has been absolutely perfect."

Now the manager gets to feel like they've done their job and walks away, conflict avoided. Everything avoided in fact, because this was not a conversation, it was a drive by critique with a hollow high five before and after. 

Lets put ourselves in Throckmorton shoes for a moment. They heard "I'm doing great! There is a minor issue, but that doesn't matter because everything I'm doing is amazing!" and then a month later when good ole Throcky gets written up for not fixing what was "clearly" told to them… they get confused, and lose all sense of safety or trust with their manager and team.

How many of you have dealt with this shit sandwich situation? Also, hot dogs, are they sandwiches or something else?

Amazingly, this is the topic I get the most pushback on when I'm giving feedback trainings because SOMEHOW people are still being taught that it is a good idea, and claim to have used it and seen it work. And well, it does kind of make sense, because the ONLY person who gets value from the sandwich is the person giving the feedback, it does do one thing it promises by avoiding conflict. And if there is no conflict, that means the job is done, right?

HELL NO!

Conflict is what causes growth, and this method does nothing but allow the giver to avoid having an actual conversation. Look at the instructions for our sandwich, and let me know where you see a part that says "let the person you're giving feedback to share their perspective" or you know, have any involvement at all. You give your feedback and then run away and hide while you pretend you're helping.

Another thing to keep in mind is this is also an example of leveraging biases to avoid having to actually have a real conversation. Two major biases are in play here, the anchor bias and the recency bias. An anchor bias is when you latch on to the first thing you hear more strongly than anything else, so our intro complement carries far more weight than the baloney in the middle. The recency bias means we're far more likely to retain and focus on the last thing we've heard, so we leave our sandwich of shame focusing on how wonderful everything is. And that part in the middle? It just fades away.

Simply, the compliment sandwich is not feedback. It’s an emotional offloading device disguised as kindness. It protects the giver. It misleads the receiver. And it burns trust while pretending to build it.

I seriously could probably write an entire book on why the compliment sandwich has caused so much harm, so lets shift to how to do this better.

First, understand that if you are needing to give someone critical feedback, it has to be a conversation, because no matter how much you THINK you know everything your perspective is limited and there is something going on you don't know about. And if you don't give the receiver the chance to share their perspective, you're simply a bully telling people what to do because you think you know better.

An example from my career, I got pulled into a meeting with a manager and was given the wonderful sandwich and I suspect somewhere in the middle was something about being late coming back from lunch, and was never given the chance to explain what was going on before I got my soggy second compliment and my manager ran and hid from me. As with most people, I generally brushed it off because I knew a ton of people were late from time to time and it was never that big of a deal.

A month later, you'll never believe what happened! I get pulled into another meeting and was given my written warning because I didn't fix the problem (I feel your pain Throcky), I even asked if I could explain or do anything to avoid this and was told no because I clearly demonstrated a lack of respect to my boss and my job.

Here's the thing though, I actually was at the office on time from lunch, but decided to wait in my car for a few minutes because, well… I was in the middle of a divorce, was meeting with lawyers and my soon-to-be-ex-wife, and was in the parking lot bawling my eyes out and figured walking in to the office while sobbing uncontrollably would be less professional than taking 10 minutes to collect myself. But I was never given a chance to share my side, because the sandwich wasn't for me, it was for my boss. And I'm betting if we were able to have a conversation, things would have gone very differently.

Two anthropomorphic foxes are having a feedback conversation. The yellow fox, standing beside a laptop, asks, “Is now a good time for me to offer you some critical feedback that will help me pester you less?” and the green fox replies, “Please do! I’m always looking for ways to improve.” Yellow follows up with, “If you could provide more detail in your after-action reports I wouldn’t have as many follow-up questions.” The green fox, seated, replies, “Oh! I was trying to keep my reports concise, but I can certainly add more detail!”

Next, make it clear that you're about to provide some critical feedback and then the hardest part (that is actually pretty easy) GET CONSENT before giving the feedback. And seriously, this is so easy. Here's a script: "Is now ok to talk about this, or would you prefer we find another time?"

That’s it! Just let the person you're giving the feedback to have control of the timing of the feedback, because sometimes we're just not in a place to hear critical feedback, and other times we might be eager for it! This actually builds safety and rapport, it shows the person you're working with that you actually care about their needs (which if you're giving feedback to someone you don't care about at all… find a new job. Please).

Finally, listen. As I said, you never have the full picture, you always have something you need to learn, and this is your chance to show that you're not just shouting and running away to hide, you are there to support and be part of their growth. And that makes all the difference.

Ok supporters of the sandwich of selfishness, give it your best shot. Give me a reason why you think this could actually provide value better than having a real conversation with someone. Or has anyone been on the receiving end of the sandwich of avoidance and thought "Wow, I really feel like I'm being supported as an individual right now!"

For the rest of us, what was the worst scaredy cat sandwich you've been on the receiving end of? Any good suggestions for comebacks to managers pulling this crap? Any managers still getting told this is the way to give feedback? Anyone else craving an actual sandwich at this point… D.P. Cheesesteaks Pastrami is calling to me…